If you’re struggling to keep breathing, take heart and know, dear friend. Your life, in truth, is not rightfully yours to take. Your life belongs to Him (your Creator) that He may be glorified through you, His creation, in beautiful and redeeming ways you may think unfathomable. Your only job, is to open the door to let the light of his Word in and I promise, the darkness will flee. – N.B.
Today, I confess out loud, that I am a high-achieving nobody. Yup. A nobody, that once had such high hopes for who I thought I could be and who others thought I surely would be, but who has pitifully fallen short of all the above. A nobody, who is engaged in a seemingly never-ending battle to convince myself, day after grueling day, that life is still worth living.
I’m ashamed to also confess (to anyone listening besides my therapist) that fleeting moment by fleeting moment, I’ve fantasized about dying to the point of yearning for it. A quick veer to the right to plunge my car off of the overpass, a swift t-bone from a semi truck running a red light, a quiet brain bleed in the middle of a life-sucking meeting, or a wild bullet that finds me as an unplanned, but willing target. These waves of dark, passive suicidal thoughts aren’t foreign ones to me. They are shadows that have visited my doorstep uninvited and unexpectedly throughout the course of my life, but have significantly been more aggressive in the last five years.
Why you ask? Well, I had a theory as to why. And the more I looked into this theory, by the grace of God, the more my perspective on my struggles against darkness has changed.
Cast Down, But Unconquered
Whether you’re in the poor house or financially well-off, adored by admirers or rejected by your community – dissatisfaction with one’s life can plague anyone.
Personally, I couldn’t be any more confused and ashamed about my state of dissatisfaction if I tried. As a single, child-free, debt-free woman who until recently earned a six-figure income at a Fortune 100 company, where I had free-reign and the respect and admiration of our executives and laborers alike, do I have any right to feel depressed? From the outside looking in, what more could I possibly want?
But in my eyes, I’m a loser who never met her potential. Who’s in her 30s living independently, but still under her family’s watchful eye, and never got the loving husband and dreamy cottage abroad full of puppies I was so sure I’d have by now. Who didn’t travel the world as a humanitarian, foreign service officer or travel blogger like everyone knew I was destined for, but rather remains stuck in the same region I grew up dreaming of leaving behind. No, all I see is someone who fell short of her dreams – by a lot.
There are days I feel forgotten by God and disappointed with myself for all that I haven’t become. Where I feel unwanted and rejected, which makes me sound pathetic and needy. Where I feel unfulfilled, which makes me sound selfish. Where I feel unhappy, which makes me sound, and frankly feel, ungrateful when I say these things aloud. Despite the so called many achievements and generally stable life I have built for myself, it’s ash in my mouth. All I see is a pretender who is nowhere near where I envisioned myself to be by now.
And worst of all, I hate that in these dark, self-loathing moments it becomes all about me, me, me, me, me, and there seems to be no clear path to derail that train once it takes off.
But the Word of the Lord says to be afflicted is to be blessed because there is hope in it.
Say what? Yes, it’s true. Like a soothing balm to one’s soul, the following Word spoken by the Lord addresses these very struggles of feeling trapped in one’s life and circumstances.
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 New International Version (NIV)
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed–always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”
As I read these words day after grueling day, I manage to see hope and, dare I say, even heavenly purpose in the midst and mire of the depression and brooding thoughts I have toward the “woman who never was”.
Woah, woah, huh….? Heavenly purpose? In depression? In suicidal thoughts? In a bleak life going nowhere fast?
Believe it or not, yes. Even to the (seemingly impossible) point where I have come to celebrate that I am a high-achieving nobody.
Why? Because there is deep value in me being able to openly share the story of my struggles with depression, suicide and feelings of self-defeat in a way that can reach the heart of others battling the same struggles.
Realizing this truth about myself changes everything. There is no greater purpose or experience in this life than bringing others out of darkness and into the light. After all, that’s the very premise of what Jesus did for you and me in saving us from sin.
And boy, does that realization of truth scare a certain someone who has desperately tried with all of his might to keep that truth hidden from you and me.
The Enemy Revealed
The temptation of desiring death (eliminating one’s life whether actively or desiring it passively), is a giveaway attack by the enemy, Satan.
When those dark moments come and try to overtake you, know this truth…the devil is attacking you because he’s actually AFRAID of you. He knows that God has a special assignment for you. And he does NOT want you to fulfill it. So he’ll work hard to keep your mind off of your heavenly assignment, by distracting you with thoughts of yourself, your failures and your self-destruction.
He will try to convince you that you are a nobody and that taking your life is the best way out of experiencing the shame of your shortcomings. But what he’s really trying to do is steal the opportunity for God’s glory of restoration to shine through you and me and our ultimate testimonies of restoration and salvation.
As the Apostle Paul said when hard days come and the enemy tries to attack us under a guise of self-loathing and despair…
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 New International Version (NIV)
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
So yes, don’t lose heart, my friend. I like many people, continue to struggle with facing the fact that I am a nobody compared to who I thought I should be. But I also rejoice in the fact that as a nobody, I have been pre-ordained to be somebody on a special assignment to reach the other nobodies lost in the dark in search of hope. The Lord our God is our hope, and when you are living through HIM, you are a child of the King. And that kind of nobody, is a somebody to be feared.
The only remedy against the thoughts of suicide, depression and darkness, the only cure to invite light and hope into your life, and the only ticket to return to the throne of God in Heaven is calling on the name of Jesus Christ as your savior.
Time is very short my friend. We are in the end days. The Lord has given us the sign of the times 2,000 years ago in the book of Revelation to know the season in which he is returning soon for his own, and that time is imminent. Accept the gift of Jesus Christ today. Invite him into your heart and be renewed in Him. He is waiting with joy to receive you unto himself.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
(Check out this inspirational video from a fellow brother in Christ who has a beautiful testimonial and ministry channel).
Made New Daily Reflections 